Sanity or Patience: choose one.

Do you ever have one of those moments where you think, "HA! I am sane!" Then you step in dog poo with your bare feet and remember it was your idea to get the puppy...?

Friday, April 12

Leave? Ha!

The week of preparation before 2 days of relaxation is like running a marathon just to eat a slice a cake.

Leaving my boys at home while I go have fun on a girl's weekend should be exciting - and I'm sure it will be, as soon a I finish cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry washing... oh, and actually packing myself for the trip.

Why do I feel like I need to do all that? Is it some form of OCD that occurs only for mothers - or maybe only mothers of boys? Because let's face it, boys are dirty creatures and if I leave the house a mess, maybe I'll come home to a landfill instead of a home.

Lawd-a-mercy, what if they run out of milk? Heaven forbid somebody orders a pizza (which is what they're gonna do anyway - even if there's  perfectly respectable casserole made up in the fridge with simple instructions called STICK IT IN THE OVEN FOR 30 MINUTES  AND THAT'S ALL!). Make sure the toilet paper holder is stocked - They couldn't possibly figure out how to open the closet door to get more. Put a box of tissues in every room so Monsoon doesn't "redecorate" the wall (because really, that'll help. Sure).

Maybe I just like pretending they can't live without me.

Probably I'll forget to pack myself underwear and a toothbrush, but at least Monsoon will be able to tramp mud onto a sparkling floor. It's all about having straight jacket priorities, you know.

Thursday, April 4

Mean Girl Karma

What are the odds that the girl you tortured in high school would have a kid at the same time as you? Apparently, pretty good.

There were plenty of pros and cons we went back and forth with before we decided to send Monsoon to the same school in the same town that we grew up in. Him becoming best friends with children whose parents I physically and emotionally abused... well, that didn't come up in one single list. If it had, I'd have skedaddled across the state line and changed my name.

I'd like to thank Monsoon for the lessons I've learned in the past year+.

1. Hiding from the girl you tortured in high school is not an appropriate way to deal with the fact that your son is friends with her kid. You look like a creeper.

2. Pretending to talk on your phone to avoid awkward conversation with her (or lack thereof) while waiting on school to let out... is dumb. Your phone will ring. It just will.

3.  When you tell your kid he can't go to So-and-So's house because you have to wash your hair (every day for three weeks) does not discourage him from wanting to play with So-and-So. Probably he just figures you're an idiot.

4. Discussing your guilty feelings with your husband is unhelpful. "Wow babe, you were a _itch."

5. Hoping she doesn't remember you is unreasonable and highly unlikely. Even if she didn't, her new first impressions of you are "creeper" and "idiot."

So let me ask you this: How far does sharing a few bottles of wine and slobbering profuse apologies go toward convincing someone you're not that mean anymore?





Wednesday, November 7

On Once-A-Month Cooking and lost pants.

I've heard a lot of questions recently about the once-a-month cooking thing, so I'm posting run-down. If you want an entire website dedicated to it, see onceamonthmom.com. That's where I started and I still find great recipes and tips from her.

Why would I torture myself with an entire day of cooking?
It's not actually an entire day - I can get it all done while Monsoon is in school.

It's healthier. Even if the meals I cook aren't necessarily "health foods," they're still much better for us than eating out. I've found that when we have food ready, we're going to stay in and eat what's here 99% of the time.

It's cheap! Each dinner usually averages out to under $5. That's for the whole meal, not per person. Since there are only 3 of us, we usually have enough left over for lunch the next day, too. Healthier than McD's and basically a free lunch.

Up front honesty portion:
The grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning up part all blow banana chunks, BUT they are so worth it for the end result: an entire month of dinners, ready to go. No more, "I don't know what to fix for dinner" 5 minutes before bedtime and then all the "That again?!?!"

The gist of it:
You take one day to put together a bunch of dinners for the whole month so that they're all ready to stick in the oven or crock pot on the day you want to eat them.

I find 10 recipes that we'll want to eat that month, and plan on doubling them. That gives us 2 of each dinner, enough for 4 weeks of Monday-Friday dinners. This means I only have to find dinner 8 nights of the month (we like Pajamas & Pizza Friday and quick-n-easy stuff like spaghetti or sloppy joes or grilled cheese).

The grocery list seems a little intimidating, but it can actually be very simple. I get my recipes, blank paper, a pencil and a cup of coffee (optional). I make categories (produce, frozen, meat, canned, dairy, etc...) because it's easier for me to shop in categories. Then I go through each recipe, writing down the name of the item in it's correct category and - here's where it gets simple - make a tally mark for however many I need for that recipe. Some call for a # of cans, amounts in ounces, measurements in cups, and so forth - I put a < next to the item and mark oz or cups or whatever. As I go along, writing ingredients for each recipe, I add to the list and mark amounts or tallies for each repeat item. At the end, I can add each one up and get a total amount.

Organizing that one cooking/put-together day took some practice on my part. I am the type of person who organizes herself into confusion and maybe can't find her pants when she rearranges her closet. You just have to look at what you've got and decide on the best way to go about it. While one thing is on the stove and doesn't need much attention, use that time to dump something else into a freezer bag or measure out your ingredients for another dish. You'll probably get it faster than I did - you can probably find your pants, too.

First thing you need to know: You don't have to cook all the meals on the big cooking day! YAY!!!  That's my favorite part. I look for "dump" recipes where you can just throw all the ingredients into a freezer bag and that's it until you stick in the crock pot or oven for dinner.

Here's a fun trick: Figure up how many total pounds of chicken or beef need to be cooked before freezing (NOTE that some meals do not require the meat to be cooked prior to freezing), and put it in the crock pot overnight with enough water to cover. I do chicken in the crockpot and ground beef the regular stove top way (in a huge pan or stock pot). If all your meat is already cooked, it makes even less work on your one cooking day.

More Tips:
Freezer bags, freezer bags, freezer bags. Gallon size or smaller, depending on how many you have to feed. If you want to save the planet, wash and reuse your freezer bags. Yeah, you can do that.

For lasagna or other meals that need to be layered in a pan, the cheap disposable ones from the dollar store work just fine but are not reusable (it's not very green of me - I know). Important: DO NOT bake the lasagna until you defrost it for your dinner.

For casseroles that you have to cook in a pan, you can still just dump them into a plastic bag for freezing - when you thaw them out, you can just dump the mixture into a pan before you cook it. Again, don't bake the casserole until you're ready to serve it.

Pinterest and Bloggers. I've found most of my recipes on cooking blogs (many through pinterest). I look for easy stuff with normal ingredients that might be in season or on sale this time of year.

Think about sides. My family is easy - we'll do mac-n-cheese or a can of veggies. Carrots, celery (stuff that keeps a little longer) or frozen garlic bread are all good things to have around.

For picky eaters, cook a little extra chicken and ground beef to keep on-hand for those nights you serve something he/she won't eat. Add some BBQ or plain old salt & pepper  the chicken, and there ya go. Scoop some ground beef into a taco shell (keep in a zip-loc bag so they don't get stale after they're opened) with some cheese. I always put whatever we're having on Monsoon's plate and ask him to at least lick it. **Before you go judging me for making an extra meal for my picky eater, know this:  Pttthhh!!! Ok, commence judgement - but keep it to yourself.

I've made my grocery list for this month and will soon be on my way to the store (in my pajamas, unless I can find my pants).

Tuesday, October 23

Love with food

"Love" and "food" go together like "couch" and "butt."

**In case you hadn't noticed by that first sentence, health nuts beware: This post has not yet been rated by the nutritionally invisible society**

I so love to eat food, make food, share food, re-pin food, photograph food (to the public embarrassment of friends and family), and relive food in memory the way high school football stars relive their teen glory days. I just love food. I love with food, too. Not in the creepy way - I would probably keep that to myself. No, no. Food is a gift. Think about it.

What do people give the family when someone dies? How do we help a girlfriend handle a break-up? What is the one staple at every birthday celebration? Isn't there an old saying about the way to a man's heart? Whose hand are you not supposed to bite? (the one that feeds you, in case that one threw you).

How do you feel when the weather chills and the leaves turn? I feel caramel apples and pumpkin bread and broccoli cheese soup. It's a feeling, I swear.

Christmas morning feels like chocolate chip pancakes with pecans and maple syrup. Valentine's Day feels like Esther Price chocolates. Friday nights feel like pizza; hormonal stress feels like a snickers and some hot wings. A windfall (of the surprise cash variety) feels like medium rare Filet Mignon with a side of sweet stewed tomatoes and salty onion rings.

What better gift than emotional contentment through food? Insert gasp of horror if you never had a southern(ish) grandma who taught you that food is nourishment for the soul.

This morning we ate "I'm sorry for picking a fight with you and saying mean things" baked french toast. Last night, it was "So glad you're home from work" fresh bread and butter. My personal favorite is my husband's signature "Thanks for being a great mom" box of Junior Mints, other times known as "I'm sorry" Junior Mints or "I was thinking of you today" Junior Mints.

Do you love with food? Are you also wearing stretchy pants?

Wednesday, July 18

Facebook Profiling

My Facebook stalking phase ended a while ago, but I still like to do a Mrs. Cravits scroll-through a couple times a day. I've noticed a few trends. It seems like all my 200+ closest friends have fallen into a "type" of posting rut. Here are a few I've noticed:

1. The GRIPER. Everything is a complaint - and there's always an ALL CAPS word or twenty. Even good news is downgraded to a more positive negitive.
EX: I cannot BELIEVE I just got a promotion and now I have to do more WORK just because they're paying me more! Ugh!

2. The FU-er. This guy has some unresolved anger issues. Also, he rarely names the person to which he is directing the stream of curses. I suspect he is a weenie in real life. I am tempted to delete, but his posts are such a train wreck, I can't look away.
EX: Hey you F*ing Mother F*er! Yeah you! Watch your C*-Sucking back mofo!

3. The Pinner. It takes five minutes to scroll down past the seemingly infinite number of Pinterest-style humor pictures. I like these posters, but wonder if this is a passive form of the FU-er.
EX:

4. The You-Tuber. Same as #3, but with videos. I'll spare you an example.

5. Gamer. She just earned 50 bazillion coins in Slotty-Zingo-Jewel-Extravaganzia!! So did thirty of her friends and they're all posted on top of one another. Again, you know what I'm talking about without an example.

6. The New Chain Letter Sender. He probably still won't step on a crack because it might break his mother's back.
EX: Repost this post if you're human! Ignore if you're a big fat smelly turd.

7. See my kids? See my pets? Nothing but photos and bragging and stories about her kids or pets. (sidenote: I think this is my category).
EX: My dog just sneezed and then my kid laughed and then we all had ice cream! It was amazing!

8. Inspiration Pusher. Affirmations are this guy's crack (the drug, not the butt kind), and he wants everyone else to get hooked, too. They make everything seem possible. Corny doesn't even begin to describe. (sidenote: I might be an addict - I do love reading these).
EX: Did you know... YOU can make the choice to stand up and put your boogers in a tissue instead of on the wall! You can! You can! I know you can do it! Go for it, you fabulous snot-blower, you!!

9. What-the-what? Some people write things that sound really smart, but that I just don't understand. Then I feel stupid.
EX: Supercalafragalisticexpialidocious. Look it up.

10. Normal people. You just never know what they're gonna do.

Have you noticed many of these? Have any other Facebook Profiles to add?

Friday, July 6

Everything's Crooked

Moving sucks rotten eggs. It's why we stayed in our first house so long - the one we fixed up over the course of a decade. We put in new windows and a deck, added light fixtures and upgraded electrical outlets that somehow ended up with EVERY single one of them being crooked.

Anyway, moving stinks, and I'm bad at it. Even after the 4th move in 18 months, I'm bad at it. Each time, I think, "Hey, I'm getting the hang of this!" Then we get settled and I can't find my favorite shoes or my toothbrush or my dog. That rusted cookie sheet that should've been pitched five years ago - yep, that's here. Now where the flip is my TV remote?!

Thankfully, we've finally settled for good. My husband has promised not to apply for any jobs out of driving range - at least for the next five or six or twenty years. We made the decision to stay put so that Monsoon can grow up around family.

That being said, I was leary about the rash decision to buy our little house. I like to mull things over, consider all my options, wade around the shallow end before jumping off the high dive. Dear husband has the tendancy to cannon ball himself into the pool next to me, soaking me with his tidal wave before I've even dipped my little toe.

So it was like that when he wanted this house and I went along with it, nervous and figety for weeks while we painted walls and refinished floors.
When were almost ready to move in, I took the liberty of returning all the outlet covers to their rightful place on the walls. And guess what?

EVERY single one of them is crooked. Every. Single. One.

I'm home!

Friday, February 10

I'm Old-Fashioned

As many of us all over the world did, I watched the video of the dad who shot the laptop because his daughter is a teenage brat.

It was nostalgic, really. I also realized how much I appreciate having grown up in the era before social media.

For instance, there was no video evidence of the night I said "F*** You!" to my dad, and my sister thought I was going to die. It would be totally embarrassing if anyone saw how tough I really was... hiding in a closet.

Back then, when some kid took topless pictures of half the Senior girls, he got in trouble for DEVELOPING FILM in class. It's comforting to know that if somebody wanted to be pervy with an up-close of my chest, he'd have to go through the photography teacher.

If I had a crush on a boy, I wrote "Ryan Ashley Boys-Last-Name" a hundred and twenty times in PRIVATE. The only type of hacking that would help some busy-body find my love notes would be prying open my combination locker.

When I snuck out to a wild party, not once did I ever worry about a random video posting of my Boones Farm stupidity making it's way back to my parents.

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. I like my private pictures on photo paper, my secret love notes folded into a triangle, and all of it stuffed into a shoe box in the back of my closet.