Sanity or Patience: choose one.

Do you ever have one of those moments where you think, "HA! I am sane!" Then you step in dog poo with your bare feet and remember it was your idea to get the puppy...?

Thursday, May 7

Stinking Old

Flashback Fridays with Scary Mommy! Do you have any never-before-seen posts that you need to dust off and shove back out here? Click the button to participate.

I'd like to know when the day passed that...

I stopped getting carded for buying beer. What do you mean I look "plenty old enough" you pimply teenage punk? If I have my stinkin' ID ready in hand, you'd better take the flippin time to at least pretend to look at it!

I can't get a nice haircut to feel good about myself because the teenage girl (shouldn't this child wearing a candy necklace be using blunt-end scissors?) informs me that we'll need to do a different color than I want in order to "hide those grays." Excuse me, but is it no longer acceptable to pretend they don't exist by way of NEVER mentoning them? And when I tell her I can't have layers b/c my hair is too thin - which it has ALWAYS been! - she feels some inexplicable need to tell me, "Yeah, it happens pretty often to women as they age." Goodbye!

I can't even get a facial to relax as the (again, early twenty-something) girl explains that the crap she's putting on my face stings like hell because it's burning off my wrinkles... or something. That's right. She looks at my face under the "bright light" and decides that I don't need the relaxing facial experience that my husband so thoughtfully tried to give me. No, noooo. I am in definite need of the "aging skin repair treatment." Yeah, it stings.

At least I have my figure.... except that when I went to Best Buy to get a work-out video, the kid (have manners been completely abandoned as a teachable subject?) walking around in his little blue vest feels some need to actually stop what he is doing and make sure I'm choosing the "right" work-out for my body. Have I inadvertently extended some invitation for suggestions about which part of me needs the most work? Then I remember I forgot to put on make up and haven't bothered even washing my scraggly gray hair that day and I contemplate for a split second about dumping my purse right there and throwing it over my head as I run for the exit.

Really, how OLD do you have to look for complete strangers to feel comfortable discussing it openly? So yeah, I got "colored" and I bought the take-home version of the wrinkle crap and I purchased more than one work-out video.

Now I know what that smell is when you walk into an old person's home and it just smells...old. Hair dye; burnt hair from the dye; stinging stinky wrinkle remover; burnt skin from the wrinkle remover; muscles burning from the inside out; and a whole crap-load of perfume to cover it all up.

**Originally posted 12/15/08**


A. said...

You, lovely lady, is absolutely hilarious! :D

Scary Mommy said...

I HATE not getting ID'd. The worst part is that they're supposed to card people under 35-- that's still 4 years away!!! Grrrrrr. And your kid picking out working video? That so happened here. And it stung!!

Jennifer said...

This is hilarious. And I think you look fantastic. So all of that stuff must really be working.

Just kidding. Please don't throw anything at me.

Tami said...

Love the old smell part!

And no, people do not have manners anymore!

ViolinMama said...

Oh this was soooo great! So real!!! So awesome!!!

Love the facial, old smell, etc. And WOW at the Wal Mart dude! WOW!!

You are gorgeous!!

Heather said...

LOL! And I do believe that "younger" people do have no manners, are generally rude, and feel the world owes them something. Boy, do I sound "old" or what?!

CailinMarie said...

oh I LIKE you. I hope after that kid decided to double check your work out video that you chose tae bo and went back and visited...

Julia said...

SAY IT ISN'T SO! NO REALLY. SAY IT IS NOT NOT SO. You must take it all back. Please.

scrappysue said...

oh you so need to bitch slap that teenager at the hairdressers! you get insulted AND have to pay? no way

Megan said...


Stinkin pimply teenagers thinking they know everything! Jeez!!

Thanks for the laugh!