The Detective

Every woman can probably remember a time, most likely during our teen era, when the boys we liked didn't always like us back. Most of us, I presume, have also wondered what some of those boys ended up doing with their lives. Not often, but every great once in a while we might hear a name or see a face that innocently pokes at our inner girl.

Personally, I find great satisfaction in that my husband and I have a cozy life with each other and our son. Nothing elaborate, but we are each other's home. Still, there are times...

I recently attended a birthday party given by an old friend for an old friend. There were a handful of old friends there, as well, and it was nice to see some faces I hadn't heard from in over a decade.

You can see where I'm going with this, right? There was a boy.. I had a huge 15-year-old-girly crush on him for a brief second before realizing what a snobby jerk he was way back when. He was there, at the party, with a girlfriend. I was polite, introduced myself to her when he practically hug-molested me at the door, embarrassingly.

He was blasted, obviously. And half way through the night (I'm not a party-til-dawn kind of girl anymore), he followed me out the door. Honestly, I was annoyed and more than a little creeped out. But this was what he said, in between drunken mumbles that I couldn't understand:

1. "I'm sorry." Sorry for what, I'm not sure, but I don't think he was apologizing for being a creep at the very moment he was apologizing.
2. "You're still cute." Excuse me? What am I supposed to say to that? Uh, okay, thanks? Certainly not that you're still cute, too. Am I on Candid Camera?
3. "What are you doing now?" Well, I'm an unpublished writer, wife to a wonderful man I'm sure you remember from school, and we have a beautiful son.
4. "I thought you had a couple kids." Where the heck would you think that from? Either you are keeping tabs (from the wrong people) or you have nothing else to say, in which case I can go now, right?
5. "You don't want to know what I do." No, I do not care.
6. Silent Stare. For a long time. Help me! I start to go, then it speaks.
7. "Ask me what I do." I still have no interest, but apparently the answer does not require a question.
8. "I'm the best damn detective they have!" It seemed more of a "pep talk" to himself than a sentence. He went on to say it several more times along with the name of the company, which I thought probably I didn't hear correctly, nor (again) did I care.
9. "You were always - " and then a weird look like I should already know what I always was. Okay, I was always a girl? I did not play along, but I did return the scary stare. It didn't work.
10. "What the hell are you doing? We. Need. To. Go. NOW!" This was the girlfriend speaking, and not to me. Thank you Lord. I would have run if I hadn't been wearing heels on ice, but I could hear her scolding him all the way to my car a block away.

There is a song, I think by Garth Brooks (which ironically hit - I think - while I was in high school) that says something like, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." Now I get it.

The next day, I met up with a newer friend who is married to an old friend who is still acquaintances with the drunken boy from the night before. (It's not as complicated as all that). He had drunk-dialed her at 6 a.m. with another laundry list of drunken ramblings. This is the part where I nearly pee my pants laughing. Apparently, being the "best damn detective they have" means he spies on people through the shelves at a supermarket to catch possible corn and bean thieves.