Pea'd Down Her Leg

The Year: 1988

The Place: My Childhood Home

Dinner time at our house was always family time. In other words, there was an argument being picked, hair being pulled, food getting cold, Dad's face reddening like a thermometer, Mom's constant "Stop it! No! Eat your veggies!" and always, always some kind of green something-or-other threatening to unhinge the delicate balance of parent/child relationships.

*

My brother (henceforth known as Oscar, who is green) was the "easy one" who never argued about eating anything. Of course, this is the same kid who made my sister and I gag when we caught him with a giant slimy booger... nose, finger, mouth was his direction of choice.

*

That leaves me. And my sister (we'll call her Candy, since it's all she eats). Neither of us liked anything green. My mom was a stubborn lady, though, and I can't remember a dinner that didn't include something green. And gross.

*

Oscar: I gotta go to the bathroom (typical, always in the middle of dinner - boys!)

Mom: Candy, you've been eating so good all week! I'm so proud of you!
Candy: (sickening little poo-eating grin) I love you, Mommy. Can I have more peas, please?
-Dad just keeps eating, everything is fine.
- Candy is only eating her stupid peas to show me up, and mom's made them every stinkin night this week just because she's eating them and she's the favorite!
Me: I'm done.
Mom: You didn't eat your peas.
Me: I ate everything else.
Mom: You need to eat some peas. Candy ate all hers.

-of course she did - she hates me!
Me: Well I guess I'm just not as great as little baby Candy!
Mom: *sigh and eyeroll* Just eat a few, Ryan. (proceeds to pat Candy's leg)

*

Candy shoots me a look like, "ha-ha!" and smiles up at mom again - overkill, really. Mom is rubbing Candy's leg, starting to look alarmed. Candy's eyes get big and she starts to look like a deer caught in headlights. My mother sticks her head under the table and screams. Dad stops eating, looking around like what the heck happened, wasn't everything fine? Candy's being shaken from underneath, and my mom returns to the top of the table with one bright red, pea-filled knee-high sock.

Laughter ensues. (not by me, I was ticked that she got away with it!)

*

Me: I'm not eating my peas.

Mom: *sigh* Fine.

Candy: *giggle* I love you, Mommy.

-Yeah, again, I know - she's relentless!

Dad: He-he-he. (to mom) Didn't you say there were tiny green balls in the laundry yesterday?

Oscar: (returning from the bathroom) Hey, who ate all my food?

Mom: You did, Oscar, before you went to the bathroom.

*

And there's a little window into dinner time at my parent's house... twenty years ago.