Random interesting

Random interesting thing I did in my twenties... follow my husband's flag football team to whOrlando for a championship tournament.

I flashed my hoo-ha, felt another woman's boobs, and a few of the players tried to purchase me.

In fairness to my husband's friends, our hotel was also a whorehouse. (Note: never trust Expedia's star rating system). The group of guys had been drinking heavily and I was wearing heels and walking in from the car at night by myself. That just screams hooker, right?

I had recently lost enough weight to look sexy (in my head) in a zebra bikini I'd been hanging onto for ages. Too bad it wasn't quite my size anymore. (Note: if your bikini bottom is too big, it's likely to hang).

Someone's girlfriend has just gotten a boob job. She wore bandaids to keep her nipples from poking out of her tank top. Because you know, hers were perkier withOUT a bra than mine were with a push-up.

It's a good thing I like kids

I should hate my job. Any sane person would.

I get puked on, peed on, pooped on... regularly. In fact, I've had to come home and immediately take a shower 3 of the last 10 work-days because there was vomit on me. Today, someone coughed up my nose. Although I'm almost thankful for that, because if I get sick and can't breathe out of my nose, I can't smell the diaper stink when I change them.

So I say again: I should hate my job.

I miss Monsoon all day long. When I first went back to work, he told the husband that he wished he didn't even have a mommy. That's right. If I couldn't be here all the time, why bother being here at all? Oh, the guilt. He told me recently that he loves me "this much" (hands spread about 6 inches apart), but if I quit my job, he'd love me "this much" (arms open wide). I think part of it stems from knowing that I'm spending my days with other children instead of him. He's the jealous type.

I should hate my job more than I hate doing dishes.

Oddly, I don't hate my job. Don't get me wrong - I'd be "at-home" again if presented with the opportunity, but when I'm there, I feel like there's a definitive purpose for me. Also, as challenging as they are, I love the kids. Every single one of them. Even when I want to run screaming from the building (and it happens often) I know I'll still be smiling the next time I walk in and see their faces. I didn't realize how much I missed teaching until I got back into the swing of it again.

Celebrity by association?

Apparently, I'm on the list. The very important person list. Of very important persons to invite to phone call interviews with celebrities. Yep, I'm on the inside now. I'm practically a celebrity myself. I am. You're here aren't you? It must be because I'm a VIP in the circle of CPI (celebrity phone interviews - come on, catch up with the lingo, would ya?).

Never mind that when I got on the line with Uma, she kept hanging up and I never got to ask even one single question. She's the one who missed out. Because I'm almost famous. She's totally sorry.

Forget that my husband threw up in front of Anthony Edwards. Mr. Edwards was still happy to speak with me. Over the moon excited, I tell you. He might have a crush.

Don't even think about Friday, when Jason Schwartzman will be laughing it up with me and my thought provoking interview questions (the likes of, "how do you spell your name?" and "Did you live in a fox hole for a while to prepare for your role?"). Yep. All this VIP/CPI fabulousness just keeps getting better.

And by better, I mean that instead of being ignored and hung up on, or having to fumble for the mute key in the midst of wine-sickness, I'll be driving my dad (who will likely be cranky/hungry/murderous - you'll see why) to his colonoscopy appointment (see? I told you) while I participate in this phone call. That should impress Mr. Schwartzman, no?

I'm totally gonna be famous by the weekend.

Who told Monsoon he was supposed to be triplets?

Monsoon. That boy I love so much. He says some strange things sometimes. Things that make me wonder if he's a genius... or maybe if he's going to be that kid in 3rd grade who sat in the corner eating paste.

The other day, he told me my belly was going to get really big because two babies are going to grow in there. It came out of the blue, and it was a little strange. Although I would consider it a wonderful miracle, I am 100% positive that I am not pregnant.

Fast forward to this evening in the car. He brings it up again. I ask why he thinks there are two babies in my belly. He goes on to explain that when he was a baby, he went into my belly with two other babies. But then he was there all alone and he was very lonely. When he came out of my belly, the other babies didn't. "It was like they disappeared," he said.

This might seem a little strange to anyone who doesn't know the history behind Monsoon's conception. Truth is, there were 3 babies. Three thawed embryos were implanted into my uterus by fertility specialists. One of them became Monsoon. The other two just... disappeared.

It's not a secret, but it's not something we discuss. We just don't talk about it. SO... steel trap memory? Or glue sniffer?

I never knew I had it in me

Warning: it gets kind of gory in paragraph 3.

I'm the girl who screams at the sight of a spider. I'm not brave or tough, nor do I care to be. That's what husbands are for... or so I thought, until our little family of three went out to do some landscaping on the side of our house this summer.

Me with my shovel and Monsoon with his dirt, we were set. Husband had to pull out the giant azalea bush - the one I killed last summer - as it was too big for me to rip from the ground. I was coaxing Monsoon to get his hands dirty when my husband flung the big ball of dead plant into the air. Along with bugs o'plenty, he saw something scurry up onto the top of the dirt and let out of a kind of man-squeal.

Que Super-Mommy adrenaline/protection mode. In one quick instant, without even thinking, I raised the shovel like a javelin and caught the critter spot on, chopping it completely in half. The poor mole never saw it coming.

My husband might be sleeping with one eye open now, but he doesn't worry about us when he isn't home. He just bought me a clean shovel to keep under the bed.

Vacation: A day-by-day account of activities and ice cream

Day #1: On the road for 7 hours, we heard a lot of "my butt hurts!!!!" and "I just want to go to the beach!" It's hard for a kid to understand about distance - why on Earth don't we just live closer to it?

Day #2: Second day on the road, also the day of the Offensive Little Comments. We arrived at our hotel on this day, and Monsoon promptly got his head stuck in our 8th floor balcony rail. We ventured out to the beach in our clothes, expecting the boy to be afraid of the ocean like last year, so of course he ran right into the giant waves with great pleasure. Had pizza for dinner and ice cream for dessert. Mint chip.

Day #3: Road our bikes down the 3-mile boardwalk and back, spent the afternoon at the beach and walked the shops. Monsoon made up an imaginary friend, she was a baby and had to come with us - he insisted on pushing her in the stroller the whole time we were out that night, until we stopped for ice cream (chocolate/vanilla swirl). That's when she started jumping into garbage cans and onto lamp posts so he had to save her while I pushed the empty stroller.

(at some point I tried to turn off the date stamp on my camera, but it went back to january of '06 instead, then kept flipping back & forth on it's own. Stupid thing)

Day #4: Ocean was too choppy for jet skis, so we rented kayaks on the inlet instead. After trying it (I was pretty nervous about flipping) I want my own kayak. I could do that every day! We stopped for ice cream (vanilla w/ cherry dip) after, and later had rich Italian dinner and tirimisu for dessert.
(my butt is now twice this size)

Day #5: Hubs and I had a romantic lunch, just the two of us. How did we accomplish this feat, you ask? Purely by accident... we left Monsoon in the hotel. Kidding. It was a late lunch (after a bike and beach morning) and he fell asleep leaning on my arm before we even got our drinks! He didn't even wake up when we polished off our apple crumble ala mode.

Barely made it to the Virginia Aquarium to pet sting rays, coo over baby lager head turtles and look at sharks up close (they're kind of scary). We stopped later for ice cream (mint/chocolate swirl). And fudge.

Day #6: Beach and playground morning, then stopped for ice cream (chocolate w/ sprinkles) before we left town. Half way home, we remembered the laptop has a dvd player and stopped to pick up some movies for poor Monsoon who's butt hurt by hour two. A West Virginian black bear came running at our car out of one of the mountains, but apparently noticed the mac truck behind us so he screeched to a stop before crossing the highway. It was pretty cool. Back in Ohio that night, still a couple hours from home, we ran into a nasty storm and Hubs had us looking out for tornadoes (he's a paranoid freak, have I mentioned?). One flash of lightening lit up the whole sky and I saw something white and cylindrical ahead of us, so I kept looking in that direction to try and see what it was when the sky lit up again. I noticed hubs looking in the exact same spot - he had seen it, too. It wasn't my imagination. We breathed a sigh of relief when we could see for another flashing second and nothing was there. Five minutes down the road, we saw paths across the road and missing tress, and we knew what we had seen. Ca-ree-peeee!

Really? At a Garage Sale?

I haven't been "garage saling" in so long, I had forgotten how much fun it can be, especially with my sister. We had a wonderful morning hanging out, found many like-new child-entertainment-contraptions (a.k.a. toys) for cheap, and even came up with our very own list of "When is it ever okay?" inspired by the one and only DiPaola Momma of Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom and THIS particular post, which is humorous in a mind-boggling/cackle-and-snort kind of way.

When is it ever okay to display these items for sale in your garage? (and yes, we saw ALL of these things):

1. Underwear. No, not in the package.
2. A butcher knife. I might be concerned about children... and psychos.
3. Mouse traps. Rusty ones, at that, and a whole big box full of them.
4. Mostly-cloth baby-teether, used. So obviously used.
5. Deodorant. Trial size, not sealed.

It's not a long list, and I'm not sure if I'm more relieved or disappointed about that, but I'm looking forward to the next afternoon with my sistah.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen at a garage sale?

Wanna hear something stupid?

Have you ever (oh, right - of course you haven't) done something so stupid that you still think, nearly a decade later, "Wow. That was really stupid." My husband did something several years ago that makes me think "wow that was stupid" every so often when I walk into our living room. (What? You thought you were going to read about something I did that was stupid? Bah!).

We came home one day and noticed an alarming number of bees buzzing around our front porch. Say ten or so. We went in through the garage to avoid them, then while hubs was putting away our stuff from the store, I went to the living room and pressed my nose to the big picture window in front of the porch.

Weird. The bees seemed to be coming from under the window. There's about a 6-inch piece of wall between the window and the floor. I lightly tapped my shoe against that piece of wall, and whatyaknow - a few more bees flew out. Ha! They're living in our wall. Hey, husband why don't you come over and see this? I tapped again, more bees came out. I laughed. Okay, yes, I wasn't being overly thoughtful here. But then my husband wants in on the action.

Ahaha! Stupid bees, living in a wall... let's piss 'em off some more! Tap-tap-tappety-tap- goes my shoe. TAP-TAP-BOOM goes husband's shoe... TAP-BOOM-BOO- Ack! We both heard a crack, looked down, stunned as we realized his foot had gone through the wall; we were frozen as they started crawling in over the toe of his shoe. Finally: Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! Picture me running in circles, flailing my arms, screaming like a banshee. Now replace my image with that of my very manly husband. Yes he did.

I think we ingested 3 bottles of various types of chemical killer that day. The bees died, but they put up a valiant fight.

He finally fixed the hole in the wall a couple of months ago.

Flashback Friday: Is this a common problem? (alternately titled: when I was young and super)

Scary Mommy is hosting Flashback Fridays for those old posts you love from before anyone was reading, or that cool high school haircut photo you have to share, or even an actual memory. Click her button and play along!

Hubs got a forward e-mail from one of his gross man-friends the other day (yes I've been saving this all week!) with a bunch of raunchy pictures and humorous captions. A double-take at one picture in particular made my eyes grow three sizes in half a second. Flashback!

I know that guy! No, not the actual guy in the photo, but a guy who was in this exact predicament. For an entire day. He was a boyfriend of mine. At a water park. With my family. My entire family, including aunts/uncles/cousins. Can you find him in the picture below?
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Oh hell yes, I was that hot. (Hey, it's my memory and I can remember it however I want.)

TAT: "Hello mother? There's this house..."

It's Tuuuuuuesday, which means Totally Awkward Tuesdays from Tova Darling! Go there. Just do it - you will laugh.

When I was 16 and a recently licensed driver-wannabe, my parents, in their one foolish moment, decided I could drive - for the first time ever - on my own. To a basketball game, in my cheerleading uniform. In a January ice storm.

We lived on top of a hill and so, when I pulled the old 6-cylinder '89 Olds tank onto the road, pushing on the gas pedal as I would on any regular day, I seemed to make it down the hill in record time. Only the bottom of the hill was a curved bridge with a house at the other end.

Hello bridge curve... hello ice... hello spinning car and not-the-road. Hello screaming in my head, hello life before my eyes... hello porch. Goodbye porch. Hello stranger's living room.

There was no one home, and I was fine, so I ran across the street to call my parents. "Um, mom? Uhh... I hit a house." An hour or so later, Olds still sitting pretty in through the front door wall, police cruiser spilling red and blue over the snowy yard... a van pulls in. Hello, homeowners.

Irony of all ironies: about 5 years ago, I ran off the road in yet another snowstorm. My car wouldn't move out of the ditch, but a lovely man stopped to pick us (that would be me and The Fabulous Miss Wiener) up. Who is this lovely man, you ask? Why, the very same man who lived in the house that I hit a decade earlier. Yes, he laughed... awkwardly.

*note: we live in a small town - so small that there is no concern about getting into a car with a complete stranger on a snowy Sunday morning in your church clothes. There's a good possibility you actually know the stranger by 6 degrees of some sort. See? It's true!

5 Strange for 5K

Shout-out to everyone visiting from The Apron Goddesses and a big thanks to Julia for featuring my blog today. Julia and the ladies pictured/featured there are fabulous, so go check them out. Plus, there are almost always cool giveaways going on at the Apron Goddess!

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Hubby (left) and Oscar (goofy) after the race

Just a few unexpected experiences from the 5K.

1. In our 'gift-bag' race-sponsor thing we were handed before the race, there was a roll of toilet paper. We were a bit nervous, this being our first race, about what goes on between mile-markers. Then we saw the attached banner: "wipe out colon cancer."
2. An 80-year-old man ran with us. Actually, he might have been closer to 100. His beeping-monitor-of-some-sort is the reason my mom and I finished as fast as we did (which was not fast). That's right - every time we heard Tick-Tock Croc gaining on us, we sped it up - my mother was NOT having that guy finish before her. I didn't care so much about him, but having my mom beat me would have been another story entirely.
3. My brother, who finished 22nd out of 405 over-all and 3rd in his age group for his first race ever (yay Oscar!), passed one particular girl and swears she cough-yelled, "Jack-a**!" at him.
4. After the race, there were a lot of people walking around, including one interesting, um, person, pictured below. At first, we thought it was a man dressed up like a Grumpy Fairy, but after careful reevaluation (i.e. blatant staring), I'm 90% sure it's a woman who was not dressed up for fun. It was very cold, and he/she was having trouble walking, so what he/she was doing at the race is still a mystery. 5. Lesson learned: 20 minutes on a treadmill one time 3 months before the race? Does not constitute preparation.

***Another huge thank-you to my good friends CATE and SNARKY, who sent so many good lucks and well-wishes that I actually thought for a minute I was a Rock Star. You girls made my day. Thanks.***

TAT: The Sniffer

Tova Darling's Totally Awkward Tuesday is here again, which means you all can laugh at my ever-expanding moments of awkwardness. Yeah, I know - every day around here is Tuesday. Be sure to look up some of the other awkwardness on the blogosphere, linked up to TOVA.

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My dear husband had some books to return to his college bookstore last week, and so decided to take Monsoon along for some boys only QT (quality time). As they were standing in line, Hubby was zoning out a bit, as he tends to do in boring long lines, but he knew our boy was right there within arms length and not making a huge racket, so all was well.

Then the line moved forward a step and he happened to look down just as Monsoon approached the lady in front of them. She was "large. Very large. With a large, large behind," according to my husband. Monsoon stuck his head forward, creeped up to her very large behind... and proceeded to sniff.

I don't know if anyone else noticed (although I would think someone would had to have gotten quite a kick out of it), but Hubby snatched him up before he could do anything else to the woman (like what? I don't know - tell her how she smells, maybe) and did the ole ground-stare thing until his turn at the counter came around.

*Keep in mind that 1. sniffing runs in his blood - a childhood story for another post; and 2. we recently added a puppy to our family. *

Non-Post & a Pondering

I know everyone is just salivating at the mouth for some Thursday's Things (ahem - right) but I won't be publishing an actual post today. Instead, I'm spending the day on several daunting tasks, including bloggy-land-catch-up and 30 pages of written material which is due in 5 day. So.... please don't drop me if I haven't visited you yet, because I will come see you!

In case you're wondering, yes I DO know that I am the most important powerful OZ and your every ounce of happiness is completely dependant on my acknowledgement of your existence.

If you have bothered to visit me today and are now thinking, crap I got screwed with this non-post by that Ryan Ashley Stupid again! ... I'll leave you with something. (Parents and Nano - don't read any further)

Does anyone else have crazy (I mean crazy) sex dreams about ... uh... never mind who it's about. I can't be alone here. Anyone?

Fx4: Me on a Tree

It's Candid Carrie's Friday Foto Finish Fiesta! Go see her for more Photo Phun!

Last year, Hubby and I took Monsoon hiking at a nature reserve in our little town. Not too far into one of the trails, we found an interesting tree.

There seem to be several words etched into this tree that I can't read, but you can clearly see "Hi Ryan Ashley" in there. Let me tell you, our town is technically a village - very small. There are no other Ryan Ashley's here. I have no idea how long this has been there, but it was quite a strange thing to find.

TAT: Yes, ON the Seat!

It's Tuesday, which means more awkward fun from Tova Darling's Totally Awkward Tuesdays! It might just be my favorite day of the week.



Several years ago, when my in-laws lived 16 hours away, we welcomed them into our home for a week during Christmas.



Despite their everpresent loveliness (disownership of toothbrushes; continual remote/tv-hogging; mispronunciations of such words as wrastling and styroids; and refusal to get off the couch, let alone leave our house to actually visit anyone) I was feeling a little... er.. stifled. By hour 3. Consequently, I spent much of my time hanging out with my younger siblings, tasting the first beer I ever actually enjoyed, and spending money we didn't have on gifts nobody needed.



On one such shopping spree, I found myself loaded down with more bags than I could carry comfortably and in desperate need of a tinkle break. Too bad my shopping bags couldn't fit in any bathroom stall, which was across the Mall anyway, so I lugged everything out to my car and (stupidly) decided I'd be okay until I got home.



By the time I arrived, traffic being her general holiday whore, there was no time to pry the oodles of gifts out of the car or even say hello as I tinkle-danced my way to our ONE and only bathroom. I slammed the door, ripped down my pants without bothering with buttons, and started to sit at the same time I yanked up the toilet lid. Aaaannnd.... STOP.



Silent scream in my head. There was a turd on the seat. Yes, ON the seat. There was no time to call for backup, and if I'd have thought about it I would have hovered over the shower drain - or maybe even the sink at that point. But my brain was not in charge, my bladder was doing all the thinking.



I grabbed an entire roll of TP to wipe it off, dumped half a bottle of bleach on top of the seat, swiped it down again with another roll of TP until there was no resi-poo and poured the rest of the bottle of bleach over the seat for good measure. It wasn't until a half hour later (when my bladder finally emptied completely) that I realized I was sitting in a puddle of bleach. It kind of burned, but quite honestly I was relieved to know there was not a germ left alive on that toilet seat.

Monsoon: On God

Monsoon was a bit of an emotional mess most of today - lack of sleep, busy schedules and time away from home in the last 3 days. He kept bursting into tears at the smallest things. Trying to wind down a bit, we read some books, but then he broke down again while I held him tight, and we laid down on the couch together for a quick rest before dinner. I have no idea where this came from, but he had been acting all day like something was weighing on his mind, and this was the conversation he started:

Monsoon: "What if there were no people on Earf?" (Earth).
Me: "Where would all the people be?"
Him: "With God."
Me: (caught off guard) "Well, then that's what would happen."
Him: "But I don't want you to go with God."
Me: "Why not?"
Him: "I will miss you."
Me: "Yes, but we will all be with God together." (still haven't quite regained composure from the sudden topic of interest)
Him: "But I will be all alone if I go with God."
Me: "Honey Pot, you will never be lonely when you go with God."
Him: "But what if he forgets you and daddy?"
Me: "God never forgets, Honey Pot."
Him: "People forget?"
Me: "Yes, people forget."

He just seemed so... burdened. You may not find it as endearing as I did, but I felt compelled to post it. I have no idea where it came from or what he was thinking exactly.

"I Just Sweat A Lot"

Visit Tova Darling for more Totally Awkward Tuesday shenanigans! You won't regret it... or maybe you will.

A long, long time ago, in an awkward land not so far away... I had two friends. No, I don't - I mean yes, I do still have 2 friends, but not so much these two friends anymore - this was over a decade ago, we were friends b/c our husbands were friends and I'm the only wife still standing. Sorry... I digress. You should know, however, that I didn't actually witness this awkwardness, but will never forget the story anyway.

These two... um... ladies, if you will; they went out clubbing on this night after an evening of whiskey with the men. Half way to the first bar, girl 1 (we'll call her Sweaty) said to girl 2 (she will be baloney), "I hafta pee!" Baloney didn't stop, probably because she didn't really like Sweaty and possibly also because it was apparently not that far.

By the time they got to the club, Sweaty didn't have to pee anymore. Mysterious.

When they got to the door and needed to pay, Baloney of course was not going to pay for Sweaty, so Sweaty had to dig in her pocket for cash. She handed the guy a wad of dripping (dripping!) bills. As he looked, horrified, from his wet money hand to the crotch of her pants, she told him, "Oh, I just sweat a lot."

Pea'd Down Her Leg

The Year: 1988

The Place: My Childhood Home

Dinner time at our house was always family time. In other words, there was an argument being picked, hair being pulled, food getting cold, Dad's face reddening like a thermometer, Mom's constant "Stop it! No! Eat your veggies!" and always, always some kind of green something-or-other threatening to unhinge the delicate balance of parent/child relationships.

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My brother (henceforth known as Oscar, who is green) was the "easy one" who never argued about eating anything. Of course, this is the same kid who made my sister and I gag when we caught him with a giant slimy booger... nose, finger, mouth was his direction of choice.

*

That leaves me. And my sister (we'll call her Candy, since it's all she eats). Neither of us liked anything green. My mom was a stubborn lady, though, and I can't remember a dinner that didn't include something green. And gross.

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Oscar: I gotta go to the bathroom (typical, always in the middle of dinner - boys!)

Mom: Candy, you've been eating so good all week! I'm so proud of you!
Candy: (sickening little poo-eating grin) I love you, Mommy. Can I have more peas, please?
-Dad just keeps eating, everything is fine.
- Candy is only eating her stupid peas to show me up, and mom's made them every stinkin night this week just because she's eating them and she's the favorite!
Me: I'm done.
Mom: You didn't eat your peas.
Me: I ate everything else.
Mom: You need to eat some peas. Candy ate all hers.

-of course she did - she hates me!
Me: Well I guess I'm just not as great as little baby Candy!
Mom: *sigh and eyeroll* Just eat a few, Ryan. (proceeds to pat Candy's leg)

*

Candy shoots me a look like, "ha-ha!" and smiles up at mom again - overkill, really. Mom is rubbing Candy's leg, starting to look alarmed. Candy's eyes get big and she starts to look like a deer caught in headlights. My mother sticks her head under the table and screams. Dad stops eating, looking around like what the heck happened, wasn't everything fine? Candy's being shaken from underneath, and my mom returns to the top of the table with one bright red, pea-filled knee-high sock.

Laughter ensues. (not by me, I was ticked that she got away with it!)

*

Me: I'm not eating my peas.

Mom: *sigh* Fine.

Candy: *giggle* I love you, Mommy.

-Yeah, again, I know - she's relentless!

Dad: He-he-he. (to mom) Didn't you say there were tiny green balls in the laundry yesterday?

Oscar: (returning from the bathroom) Hey, who ate all my food?

Mom: You did, Oscar, before you went to the bathroom.

*

And there's a little window into dinner time at my parent's house... twenty years ago.

The Whole Truth

Here is the last segment of the 9 truths/ 1 lie game:

1.I got married when I was nineteen to the same man I'm married to now.

• TRUE: We've been (mostly) happily married for almost eleven years.

2. Monsoon was a frozen embryo for a year and a half before I got pregnant with him.

• TRUE: He was our third attempt at in-vitro, third pregnancy and the only miracle we've been blessed with so far.
  

3.I once punched a guy, knocking him to the ground.

• TRUE: I was in high school, he was dating my best friend, he was a total jerk and all up in my face with his finger-pointing bit. Hey, I warned him. And boy did it feel great.

4.I have a secret blog about my in-laws.

• TRUE: I opened it the same time I opened this blog, but so far I haven't written anything in it other than my headline. I had big plans, but who knew one blog would take up so much time?

5.The last time I peed my pants, I was 14 years old.

• TRUE: Sadly, yes. I have a weak/small bladder and my mom refused to stop on our way home from shopping. I burst just as we pulled in the drive.

6.When I gave birth to my son, I almost bled to death.

• TRUE: Apparently, my uterus just stopped working. Monsoon was blue and choking, but everyone left him to take care of me and I just remember praying to God that I would get to hold this precious angel and tell him how much I love him before I died. It was scary, especially when they brought my dad in while they were still working on me - "just in case." On a lighter note, he probably doesn't remember any of that because of the nice shot the doctors gave him when he entered the room. Horrifying!

7.I got suspended in high school for smoking on the roof of the school.

• TRUE: There was a sub, it was a dare, the principle laughed at me and said he wouldn't have suspended me if nobody else had heard about it (subs have big mouths) but he had to, my mom cried and made me go to work all three days I was out of school.

8.I am under 5 ft tall, and I once weighed over 200 pounds.

• LIE: Finally, we're to the lie! I am just 5 ft tall and one half inch, and the most I've weighed was 178 (which might as well be 300 for a person of my height). And no, it wasn't because I was pregnant - it was a depressing, infertile time in my life where I turned to food and gained almost 80 pounds within like a 3 year period. It was awful.

9.I have not gone one single day without chocolate since junior high.

• TRUE: I just can't do it. I cannot go an entire day with no chocolate. It might just be a couple of chocolate chips, or it might be an entire pan of brownies, but I have to have some kind of chocolate!

10.My niece and nephew are named after types of fairytale creatures.

• TRUE: I am Aunt-A to four beautiful children, two of whom could live double lives as good friends to either Peter Pan or Jackie Paper. I'll just let you guess.

Nobody guessed the real LIE, which doesn't really matter - it was fun either way. Thanks for participating! If anyone else plays, post a comment and I'll vote for your lie, too!

To Tell The Truth... And Not.

This is a fun little game in which I give you 9 true things about me and one that is a lie. Guess which is the lie:

1. I got married when I was nineteen to the same man I'm married to now.
2. Monsoon was a frozen embryo for a year and a half before I got pregnant with him.
3. I once punched a guy, knocking him to the ground.
4. I have a secret blog about my in-laws.
5. The last time I peed my pants, I was 14 years old.
6. When I gave birth to my son, I almost bled to death.
7. I got suspended in high school for smoking on the roof of the school.
8. I am under 5 ft tall, and I once weighed over 200 pounds.
9. I have not gone one single day without chocolate since junior high.
10. My niece and nephew are named after types of fairytale creatures.

I'm not nearly as interesting as some of the other participants of this game, but feel free to guess which of these is the LIE! I'll post the whole truth later this week.