It's Tuesday, which means more awkward fun from Tova Darling's Totally Awkward Tuesdays! It might just be my favorite day of the week.
Several years ago, when my in-laws lived 16 hours away, we welcomed them into our home for a week during Christmas.
Despite their everpresent loveliness (disownership of toothbrushes; continual remote/tv-hogging; mispronunciations of such words as wrastling and styroids; and refusal to get off the couch, let alone leave our house to actually visit anyone) I was feeling a little... er.. stifled. By hour 3. Consequently, I spent much of my time hanging out with my younger siblings, tasting the first beer I ever actually enjoyed, and spending money we didn't have on gifts nobody needed.
On one such shopping spree, I found myself loaded down with more bags than I could carry comfortably and in desperate need of a tinkle break. Too bad my shopping bags couldn't fit in any bathroom stall, which was across the Mall anyway, so I lugged everything out to my car and (stupidly) decided I'd be okay until I got home.
By the time I arrived, traffic being her general holiday whore, there was no time to pry the oodles of gifts out of the car or even say hello as I tinkle-danced my way to our ONE and only bathroom. I slammed the door, ripped down my pants without bothering with buttons, and started to sit at the same time I yanked up the toilet lid. Aaaannnd.... STOP.
Silent scream in my head. There was a turd on the seat. Yes, ON the seat. There was no time to call for backup, and if I'd have thought about it I would have hovered over the shower drain - or maybe even the sink at that point. But my brain was not in charge, my bladder was doing all the thinking.
I grabbed an entire roll of TP to wipe it off, dumped half a bottle of bleach on top of the seat, swiped it down again with another roll of TP until there was no resi-poo and poured the rest of the bottle of bleach over the seat for good measure. It wasn't until a half hour later (when my bladder finally emptied completely) that I realized I was sitting in a puddle of bleach. It kind of burned, but quite honestly I was relieved to know there was not a germ left alive on that toilet seat.
When You Desperately Need a Little Soul Care, This
2 months ago